Location: NOVA-LU Mega Store, grand opening, sector 43.uv.2d2, 1 December 2011.

Gil Bender, Senior Field Agent, FADSA (continues to speak with a small cadre of consumers as they walk through consumer health product sections): “Finally, ladies and gentlemen—the crown jewel of Queen Mar’s power tools enables it to detect if a probiotic strain or strains found in a finished good is/are: 1) Derived from human biological samples, from other species or from non-mammalian sources; and 2) If the strain or strains have actually been evaluated for safety and efficacy. Ms. Lee, you were quite vociferous in our discussion sections about probiotics. I’d like you to pick a product for Queen Mar to analyze.”

Ms. Lee (excitedly): “Thank you, Mr. Bender—so much. I know exactly which probiotic supplement to take us to—the one I have taken and trusted for more than five years. But you didn’t mention if the Queen’s scan included live organism count, or CFUs, also?”

Agent Bender: “The Queen does indeed assess ‘CFUs’ or Colony Forming Units. I didn’t bring that up as it is far less important than the actual strain(s), and numerous clinical studies have shown dead or killed organisms to be almost equally effective to their live counterparts. Is this where we stop, Ms. Lee?”

Ms. Lee:  “Uh…(puzzled and disturbed by Agent Bender’s last statement) “…yes…YES (as she sees her brand in the refrigerator shelf). Here it is. I swear by ProMYotic. I haven’t been sick for more than two-and-a-half years and I take it twice daily. (She grabs the box of powder, and then receives the qNMaR Scan device from Agent Bender). Ok—let’s see what we have…” (Loud beep, device vibrates.)

Agent Bender: “Ms. Lee, before you read the results on the Queen’s display would you please read the front panel of the product box to us? Everyone else—please pick up a ProMYotics jar and examine the front panel as she reads it aloud.”

Mr. Lee: (reading aloud) “Each capsule provides three clinically tested strains, at 8.33 billion CFU’s each, for a total of 25 billion live organisms.”

Agent Bender: “Thank you, Ms. Lee. Will you now read the scan results, please?”

Ms. Lee: “Strain 1: Lactobacillus acidophilus strain 3442g. CFU’s: 5.374 billion. Origin: pig feces. Evidence: no published human studies. Strain 2: Bifidobacterium lactis strain DLS-2. CFU’s: 6.022 billion! Origin: adult feces, Europe. Evidence: four published human studies, two showing no superior outcome relative to placebo for atopic dermatitis in children; one adult study showing superior anti-constipation effect; one adult study showing no reduction in duration or severity of upper respiratory tract infections. Strain 3: Bacillus coagulans strain AB-2. CFU’s: 2.932 billion, with most being in a vegetative, non-sporulating state! Origin: soil, Vietnam. Evidence: no published human studies.” (Ms. Lee’s mouth is agape).

Agent Bender: “This has been a very intriguing exercise, team. With probiotics, perhaps the most stealthily packaged goods, with great latitude and laxity in relation to labeling, the consumer can easily be inspired to a product based upon CFUs or a soccer team of different organisms, which very often is biologically/clinically meaningless. Queen Mar can be the friend of consumers and the foe of retailers, and marketers. Long live the Queen!”        

Note: This column is fictional. Any mention of products herein, with a resemblance to products in commerce, is purely coincidental.